Summary: A group of super villains attempt to stop lone hero, Loki, who seeks to free the mortals from their chains of freedom.
The Avengers begins as Thanos, a character so charismatic he once gave a girl an orgasm simply by appearing on a screen, arms our hero with a sceptre of incredible powers, then sends him to Midgard to free the humans from the tyrannical rule of Nick Fury and his shadowy organisation.
Loki, a brave and noble man, who is as intelligent as he is beautiful, is tragically attacked by a band of villains and murderers who aim to stop him completing his PERFECTLY WELL THOUGHT OUT PLAN!
Let us examine the villains in closer detail:
Nick Fury – An evil dictator who lies, cheats, and disobeys the commands of his superiors without a second thought. He also wears an eye patch, and all people who wear eye patches are inherently EVIL, as we learnt from the film ‘Thor’
Iron Man, AKA Tony Stark – The notorious ‘Merchant Of Death’, responsible for the deaths of untold numbers of enemy combatants and civilians alike. A man so vain, vile, and repugnant that he thinks nothing of cheating his assistant out of credit that she rightly deserves, and uses his meagre technological skills to read material that he should not have access to. As well as this myriad of character flaws he also offers people drinks, and then DOES NOT SUPPLY THEM!
Captain America – A man so useless that he can’t even fly a PLANE without crashing it into the ocean! He also callously broke a young woman’s heart during the war by asking if he court her and then VANISHING for 70 years. I weep for the future of ‘America’ if this man represents them.
Hulk – A green beast with a vile temper, who is simply unable to restrain himself, and is a danger to everyone around him, even those who fight on his side. This animal is SO out of control that he not only destroyed a place named ‘Harlem’, thus ending the lives of many innocent civilian bystanders, but he also DARED TO LAY HANDS ON A GOD! HE WILL PAY THE PRICE FOR HIS DISRESPECT!!
Hawkeye & Black Widow – A pair of assassins who waged war against a realm named ‘Budapest’ and had something to do with a hospital fire, I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention when Barton told me. Anyway, they are awful villains; the Widow is a liar, a manipulator and her ledger is gushing red. And Hawkeye has a soft skull, which offers almost no protection from blows to the head. USELESS CREATURE!
Thor – The final, and WORST, of the villains known as The Avengers. Thor Odinson is an arrogant warmonger who once invaded another realm for absolutely NO reason! A decision that had NOTHING to do with his wonderful younger brother, who may have said a few things that the dullard interpreted as “BROTHER! Let us go kill some Frost Giants, it will be fun and I shall be a hero who gets all the maidens, while my brother weeps outside my bedroom because I do not love him any more!” or something like that.
These villains work together to thwart Loki in his valiant quest to help the mortals achieve their aim of freedom from freedom. I shall say no more, as I do not want to spoil the end, I shall only add that it was RIDICULOUS, A TRAVESTY, AND LOKI WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN DEFEATED!!!
You will leave the cinema aching for the sequel, which I can only assume will be called ‘The Avengers 2: Loki Strikes Back’
High point: The HILARIOUS scene involving Coulson and Loki. I laughed till I had tears streaming down my face.
Low point: The ‘Puny god’ scene. Heartbreaking in the extreme (and leg breaking, but it healed very quickly) I had tears streaming down my face, but as you can tell, that happens a lot.
I award this film 5 stars.
